Astonishing Week 8: Do you haz crazy?

So the last couple posts have been pretty heavy, I'll admit. I hope that you're all still with us here at BF9k as we near the 3rd month of our journey.

Here we are, fellow beardies (the new nickname i've given to you, the fans)! A mighty week eight is a blowin' here in Northwest New Jersey... and beard continues to gain strength. Marc and Robby Bobby should probably be on the lookout for disgruntled PETA volunteers with no monkeys to save at the moment. More and more, the beards are taking on a fur-like quality, giving our heroes a distinctive "sub-human" look as the facial hair ravages their usually soft and moisturized cheeks. Also, if you've had the pleasure of seeing Marc or Robby Bobby for realz, you'll notice that they squint most of the time. This is a condition that beard-growers suffer from due to the weight of the beard. IF they do not smile, or use some other cheek-flexing technique, CONSTANTLY, the weight of the beard will pull their faces off. Now, there have been documented cases of "beardfaceofficus" but the images are far too graphic to post here. And, to be honest, I really hope no one loses a jaw in this competition. Beardfaceofficus is a long slow pulling down of the jaw. A lengthening, if you will, of the muscles and tendons, until they can not bear any more pressure. This is why bearded folk are usually smiling and, if they are not, they are probably resting their beards on their enormous Paul Bunyon-esque chests that only the manliest of men have.

They are certainly not having fun nor are you as funny as their faces might indicate.

Waking up with a beard in strange places.

"He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man."


I ponder this statement as I ponder many quotes during the day. How many volumes does my beard speak? Will my beard bring about peace in some strange part of the universe that has yet to be discovered? Can I save someone with my beard from falling fragments of a discarded/exploded satellite?

As I think on these things, I scratch my beard. My thoughts wander away from me. Literally. The scratching sends me into a trance of sorts where my mind contemplates everything and nothing. It is blank and full at the same time. I can feel nothing but the satisfying scratching and hear nothing but the "skrittch skrittch" of my fingernails against my bearded cheek.

I pause for a moment. I find that I've closed my eyes and am laying down on my couch where I was, only moments ago, driving my car to the Wawa several blocks away. Suddenly, the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime starts streaming in my head. "How did I get here? How do I work this?" The sample repeats over and over again filling my head with an awful din so loud I have to cover my ears as if the music is coming in and not from within my own subconscious. I shut my eyes again, tighter than before, trying to squeeze out the song. The lyrics. The SAME lyrics are repeating OVER and OVER... FASTER and FASTER. Standing now, I grit my teeth and suddenly...

Darkness.

I open my eyes to darkness. I can hear my heart pounding.





That's when I wake up. It's 2:48am according to my cellphone. I look around. I'm sitting in my car outside my house. I quickly turn on the car and my CD player comes on screaming "Bulls on pah-raaaaaaaaaaid!"

I've been having the weirdest dreams about beards lately...

images from Marc Johns
he owns them.

Super Week 7: Tale of the Great Bushy Beard!

Staring head-long into the gaping mouth of week seven, Marc Schmid casts a cool glance to his right and says to me, "Steve, brother, I do believe the beard is taking over my mind. In time, dear brother, there may, indeed, be nothing left but a mere shell of the man I used to be. Remember me, please, as a man who risked it all, while daring greatly."

I nodded slightly. "Of course, Marc. Of course," I managed to mutter as emotions welled up behind my eyes. Fighting them back, as any good Schmid is taught to do, I took a long, slow pull of my beer trying to choose my next words carefully. It was, afterall, only the 42nd day of the year and not even 2 full months into the fray. I thought back to when I first learned of The Bet and how much I supported the venture. But now, face to face with my youngest brother's struggle, it was all I could do from weeping out-right.

Marc's head lolls back to looking straight ahead at my dogs sleeping on the couch in front of him. He smirks. I wonder if he's contemplating a simpler life. One that didn't involve growing a beard. But the half-smile quickly fades and the darkness returns to his eyes, like the beard is now growing inside of him. "Sometimes I dream about it, you know," he says suddenly. The remark catches me off guard and I jerk my hand, spilling some of my beer. "It's becoming more and more frequent and everytime I wake up in a cold sweat. Visions of my hair just falling off in clumps. I run to the bathroom, crashing into every possible obstacle in my path." He shows me multiple brusies and cuts on his shins and hands. Some are new and you can still see the thin line of blood that was drawn on some random sharp object. Many are old but still very visible. The bruises are many. I jest that he child-proof his house. He snickers and cocks his head to the side, showing actual contemplation.

"It may come to that," he offers in his usual dead-pan delivery. "I crash through the house to the mirror in the bathroom and switch on the lights. I stare deep into my reflection and touch my beard to make sure it's real." He shudders. "In some dreams, I dream that part and my beard is gone." The bearded man leans forward and puts his head in his hands. "I just don't know how much further I can go..." His voice trails off.

"Marc, if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, you know I'm here for you," I offer. It feels weak. Like I should be able to give him more. More words of encouragement. Of hope. Of... something. Something better than that. I put my hand on his shoulder and he turns to look at me, head still in his hands. His eyes are sunken from the sleepless nights.

"Are you kidding me man? I'm gonna win this."

And suddenly there's a renewed energy that fills his voice. He stands and takes a deep breath. The room seems to react to his presence and widens as if being blown up like a balloon. I know he'll be okay in this moment. I smile and agree with him.

But there are many more weeks to come. Many more dreams...

(Bearded) President's Day Weekend

There once was a time, some call it "the 1800s" when a man could be elected to the highest office with a full-on beard. One could say that President John Adams started the facial hair trend as the 6th President of the United States with distinct and well-groomed chops. But he was eclipsed by Martin Van Buren's (Prez #8) crazy and completely out-of-control "beard-like" sideburns that seemed to be the length of the hair on his head... well, the side of his head. You could argue that he had 2 beards! Quite the feat.

But President number 16, Honest Abe Lincoln, truly starts a trend that would last from 1861 - 1893. Ulysses Grant (#18) would pick up the slack where silly and horribly unfortunate President Andrew Johnson dropped it from 1865-1869. Following Grant was Rutherford Hayes (#19). Probably noted as the Presidents' President of Beards in some circles. James Garfield (#20) showed up next with a SERIOUS contender, but, alas, was not as crazy looking as our boy Hayes.

Oh, Chester Arthur... what were you thinking? Coming off of Garfield's amazingly popular beard you have... skinny chops and a mustache that NEARLY connects? I got news (albeit 127 years too late) for you... fat face and those whiskers don't mix. Grover Cleveland had a 'stache too, but it was brilliantly interrupted by Benjamin Harrison (#23) and his neatly trimmed Grandpa beard.

Since Benjamin Harrison, no President of the United States has worn a beard. I say, it's high time we get a bearded man back in office! This country needs a true leader! And true leaders wear the beard!!!

SO! On this President's Day, may you lift a glass to the Bearded Commanders in Chief... remembering their legacy and their beard-growing abilities.

President John Quincy Adams


President Martin Van Buren


President Abraham Lincoln


President Ulysses Grant


President Rutherford Hayes


President James Garfield


President Benjamin Harrison


All pictures are from http://www.visitingdc.com

Sexy Week 6: Party on my face. You're invited.

Forty-two days into the ultimate beard face challenge and both grizzly men are looking... well, grizzly.

Possibly sub-human.

BUT THAT'S A MOO POINT!* HERE! In week six are our heroes. Battling fatigue, in-grown hairs, sexless nights and clogged shower drains they soldier on their way to victory! There are many pictures for this week, I am VERY happy to announce. Finally, we are seeing the painful changes in our heroes as the beard hair slowly takes over their minds. Marvel at the rage! Gasp at the growth! Stare in HORROR as Marc slowly turns cannibal on an unsuspecting young lady's butt!

I CAN'T LOOK!!! IT'S TOO MUCH!!!


Beware... Marc will kill you if the mood strikes him.


Thanks to Laira for the pics! w00t!



*This is from 1 of 5 funny moments found in the "Friends" television series.

Furrious Week Five!

Ladies and Germs, I present to you... WEEK FIVE!

Marc Joseph walks fearlessly into lumberjack territory*. Should he get a hair cut? Blend it in? All I know is that he looks damn scary and the public bathroom camera shot just adds to the insanity...

As per the usuals... click Marc's OH so happy face to see it far larger than maybe more than you're looking for in a beard picture.

LOVE IT!!!





*Not the Monty Python version of a lumberjack.